Everything makes me nervous. Everything. And I’m nervous All. The. Time. I hate feeling that way, and it makes me second guess everything I do or say. When I started my new job, the first two weeks I had a tight knot in my stomach all day long and it only went away for like an hour once I got home because then I was nervous for the next day. I was afraid I’d do something stupid and mess something up. Or when I said anything, the guys here would think I was a ditz because they are all ridiculously smart and technical. It’s not so bad anymore, but sometimes I do feel a little out of my element there. Don’t get me wrong, I love the guys I work with, and I LOVE my job and never want to leave, but sometimes I think “Why the heck did they hire me???”.
I’m afraid if I say the wrong thing, someone will be offended or become upset with me. Not just at work, but everywhere. I’m constantly watching what I say, and in the past I have like a bit of a doormat because I didn’t want to ruffle any feathers or rock the boat, so I’d just go along with whatever.
I know this is something that I need to work on, but truth of the matter is, I have no idea how. But I definitely do NOT want Elijah to pick up my habits and allow people to do the same to him.
So because of my ridiculous fear of possibly offending someone, or upsetting them, or just sounding like I have no idea what I’m talking about, I’ve also become quite awkward when it comes to anything social. Rather than go and interact with people, I’d much rather sit in a corner (at home) reading a book. Books can’t think negatively about me, they just allow me to get away to another world (and I always fit in there). I don’t enjoy speaking in front of people and addressing them, I don’t want to be the center of attention, and I don’t just go up to strangers and start talking to them. I’ve always been a bit of an introvert, but I think in the last few years, it has gotten worse. Once I am familiar with someone, I have no problem opening up and being my true goofy self. But until then…
This is something I need to work on, and clearly I want to change. Any suggestions out there? It’d be SO much easier if I didn’t care what people thought of me. But I do. And I wish I didn’t.