OK, I’ve been really struggling lately to come up with some posts. I’ve been busy, yes, but my mind has been even busier. My thoughts have been tripping and falling over themselves, trying to be the first ones heard. They’ve kept me awake at night, and distracted me while I’m sitting at my desk working. They have been relentless, and driving me mad. Most women will agree with me, I think, that the less we know about something, the harder it is to deal with it. I’ve been dealing with a particular situation for the last couple of weeks, and I don’t have a clue what is going on. I’m sort of hanging in the balance here, not knowing what direction I’m headed. Do I keep waiting infinitely, or do I turn around let it go and give up? I know the never-ending silence is not because of me, but sometimes people don’t understand that the decisions they choose to make do affect other people. I go back and forth between anger, hurt, and absolute missing someone in 2.2 seconds. Before I can finish my thoughts on why I am angry, I’m sad because I miss them. Before that has time to settle, I’m hurt and angry again. It’s absolutely exhausting. The more I try to put the situation out of my head, the more embedded it becomes. And it all boils down to being confused because of lack of communication and I have no idea what in the heck is going on. I hate it. Hate.
Also, I have a birthday coming up this Friday. I’m going to be 34. When I was younger, I thought that 34 was ancient. I knew that when I was that old, I’d have at least 2 kids, a handsome husband, a beautiful house (with a white picket fence thankyouverymuch) and a dog. I also would have an amazing career in who knows what, and basically we’d be happy all the live long day. We all know that’s a pipe dream, but I honestly thought that by now, my life would be different. I’m grateful for the amazing job that I have; not many people I know genuinely look forward and enjoy going to work everyday. I have THE most amazing son who makes my life infinitely better every day. Also, my family is amazing. Like seriously, I don’t know how I’d survive without their amazing support. But then sometimes all I can see is the other stuff. How I struggle every single day with depression. Or the thoughts about myself that I fight against everyday and try to ‘prove myself’ wrong. Or how sometimes it’s easier to just push people away from me with a fake smile because I don’t want to let them in, and get hurt. I’m afraid to be with people, and afraid to be alone. It’s like I want myself to be miserable. I don’t, not really, but you’d never be able to tell that. So every birthday that I have I feel a little bit like I’ve failed myself yet again this year. Am I really being everything that I can be?
I certainly didn’t intend for this post to be such a pity party for myself. I read a fellow bloggers post today about her reflections about her life on her birthday last month, and it got me to thinking. Once I started typing, well the word vomit just wouldn’t stop flowing. So I apologize if this is a little more of a ‘downer’ post than you had originally anticipated; it certainly was to me as well. Please tell me that I’m not the only one out there who constantly tortures herself on a daily basis about EVERYthing….